AT LAST, a spot of literary culture in Emmerdale (ITV1) where mucking out stables and dodging cowpats are the usual leisure activities.

The instigators of this look at books are Bob Hope (no, not that one) and Dan Spencer. Both are lady-less. Five times married Bob’s wife, Viv, perished in a fire; Dan’s wife, Chas, left him at the wedding reception.

They hit on a plan to charm the ladies – a Bronte night. Bob reckons women will fall into their arms after reading Wuthering Heights. He should know, after all his twins are called Cathy and Heathcliff, although their romance didn’t exactly go according to plan. I reckon he’d have more luck if he organised a Fifty Shades Of Grey party. That would be a real eye-opener for everyone involved.

Back in Bronte-land, Dan also misunderstands the dress code. He thinks he needs to put on a costume and turn himself into a Bronte character, so he turns up kitted out as romantic Heathcliff. Bob is amused because he reckons this will give him a better chance to strike lucky with the lay-dees. He’s wrong. There’s something about a man in a cocked hat who looks like Dick Turpin (or as Bob may have just said, “looks like a Dick”).

It works for new locum vet Vanessa. Or, maybe, the free wine causes her to lock lips with Dan, although she then disappears into the night. Brenda, whose reading of Wuthering Heights gave Bob the idea for his special night, also moves in for a kiss with Dan Dan the Lucky Man.

Two women are fighting over Ray in EastEnders (BBC1). Sisters Kim and Denise are competing for his affections.

Ray’s been going out with Kim, who is alarmed to discover that he had a snog with her sister, Denise. She doesn’t mind sharing make-up or even skirts, but draws the line at letting her sister use her boyfriend for romantic purposes. Soon, the sisters are daggers drawn and Denise needs a bed. I hope Ray isn’t in the one in which she chooses to sleep.

Love can be dangerous. Ask Gail the hamster, long-time resident of Coronation Street (ITV1). She’s a woman who married a serial killer and got wet when he drove her into a canal.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t driving James Bond’s underwater car. Now, Gail is entangled with the devious Lewis, allround cad and conman.

He’s isolating her from her family so he can ruin her life. He’s not just content with spoiling her relationship with her son Nick Nick. Lewis is in league with coconspirator Patrick to con Gail into investing in a hotel in Italy. Mamma mia, doesn’t that woman ever learn?